Old fears...

My old dentist's office in New York

Letting go of things is incredibly easy.  You just loosen your grip and let it slip away. No problem.  But of course, life is not so simple.  Letting go of fish in water is simple, they just slip through your fingers and letting go of the hand of a child who is now grown up and is straining and pulling away is also not too difficult, if at first it may appear so.

Today I took note of an old, old fear that simply fell away.  How, when, where, I don't know, I just know that it's gone.  Today I went to the dentist for a two hour complex root canal thing.  Very intense, lots of numbing injections and sitting with my mouth uncomfortably open for most of the two hours.  My dentist is also a friend and I have complete trust in him.  As he was drilling and digging and suctioning away I started to think about my forthcoming trip to San Francisco and then to see my father.  I imagined myself a week from now, walking through Golden Gatge Park or sitting in a nice little cafe or even better still, exploring vintage and second hand shops downtown.  Suddenly, and with quite a moment of surprise, I realised I had fallen asleep!  Asleep, in the dentist's chair, with two people hanging out in my mouth, with tools and metal stuff and all the dental paraphernalia, I fell asleep!

My dentist stopped for a moment and let me have a short stretch break.  During this time he asked me how I'd overcome my dental phobia.  When I first started seeing him I would cancel every other appointment until I built up the courage to go back for more treatment.  I would have to be sedated in some way in order to have any treatment - even for teeth cleaning and now, I find myself able to relax to the point that I can sleep.  How did this fear disappear?  What did I do? or more importantly, not do? 

The same thing seemed to happen in Italy this summer.  My previously cherished terror of windy, mountain roads was not there.  I kept expecting it, like the uninvited guest at a wedding, but it never arrived.  Maybe this is the answer, previously I always invited the fear.  I expected it, I anticipated it and I waited for it.  When there was the briefest hint that it was there I threwmyself into its arms and embraced it.

Today I noticed that I didn't do that anymore.  I haven't done it with the dentist, or any other dentist for quite some time.  I noticed that I was relaxed and I was looking forward to having space to allow my mind to go somewhere else, to travel in space. This felt like a luxury to me.

It's good to see these old, old fears go.  They were not my friends, just feelings I allowed to stay with me for much longer than necessary.  I am pleased also that I am noticing these disappearances.  I can pat myself on the back and invite courage instead.

Now, if only the post-dentist toothache would go, I'd be all set.