I think it was a few days ago that I passed my 200th blog entry. This is an achievement, a major, mind-blowing, extraordinary feat of endurance and dedication that I never imagined would happen. When I started this process all those days ago in December I was in the middle of a full-blown winter doldrum (can that ever be singular? Can you have one doldrum?). I started writing as a way of turning myself inside-out in order to cast light on the dark corners. The question is, has it worked? The second question is - should I be looking elsewhere, rather than the dark corners?
On the whole, writing has proved to be a boost to my confidence and my ability to pass through moods faster and with less collateral damage. I am able to look back at earlier entries and observe myself through a distant lens and surprisingly this distance has brought some focus. Sometimes I have been delighted to find the person in that lens is beautiful and worthy and very precious, other times I have seen a darker side. Whatever I have discovered through the lens of my own camera has been of enormous benefit to me. I believe I am more balanced than I was at this time last year and more able to assess what is real and what is imagined or exaggerated.
I still struggle with self-compassion and I still see that I put more weight and importance on negative rather than positive feelings, but hey, I'm a work in progress and this one is quite the masterpiece. I feel well and empowered and able to contemplate being exactly who I am and finally, finally, relaxing with that. I make my life much harder than it needs to be. I see, by looking back over 199 blog entries that I am certainly my harshest critic, that no one in my life picks me apart the way I do, and I am also not too forgiving of my own eccentricities and quirks and this does not serve me at all. Indeed, it makes me an unnecessarily harsh judge of others,too.
The past months have brought so many moments of pure joy. The value of writing them down is that it's harder to deny the pleasurable times in my life. I am a great nay-sayer and will forget the good times at the drop of a hat, but here it is in print and it feels good to be able to read through the past entries and see that I have been able to acknowledge the ups as well as downs. I need to do this more.
The past week has been filled with wonderful days. Last week my New Year dinner was very lovely and had a great deal of meaning for me. I made much effort to ensure that the food was good, the table was beautiful and the whole evening turned into a very special time that we shared with friends. As I lit candles and read blessings I felt we all shared the moment and wished each other happiness and sweetness for the coming year. The next days I spent with a very old and dear friend in Amsterdam. How lucky I am to live within an hour of Holland and that I am able to see friends from all over the world. On Saturday we shared a great meal with more Dutch and German friends and again, it was so dear to be able to relax amongst so many old friendships.
I have chosen the life I have well. Even though I think my life is heavy and sometimes dark, it actually isn't any more. Maybe I am just relating to history and not my life in its present form. Let's see what the next 100 days bring. I can hardly wait.
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