Remind me again...

Why am I here?  Why do I exist?  What is my purpose?  What is it all about?  where is all going?  Is it going anywhere at all?  Does it even matter? Who cares?

In the Spring I went to a workshop with Krishna Das.  He chants.  He has a spectacular voice that effortlessly seems to come from way down deep inside of him.  He says that the practice of chanting keeps him from being depressed.  He freely and openly talks about the depression he keeps at bay through finding a deeper inner self through his chanting practice.

Today, whilst walking down the road after seeing my doctor I found myself questioning the ultimate purpose of my life as one does on the way to the supermarket.  Contrary to the image I present to others, this is a question I am regularly busy with.  So far I hasve no real answer, or I have millions of answers and not one of them is 'the one'.  I am not sure what I am looking for but I haven't found it yet.  Even when I was a disciple of Rajneesh I don't think I ever really found that answer and now, many years later, I'm still looking.

I often feel like I am constantly turning over stones on my path.  Underneath each stone I hope to find my definitive answer and usually I just find bugs hiding from the light.  Maybe this is the answer, who I am is also a series of bugs sheltering in the dark afraid to come into the daylight.  I think this is true, but I am tired of turning myself inside out trying to find the true me.

If I was a political/environmental activist I would at least have a cause with which I could ally myself.   If I was a philanthropist I could donate large amounts of money and define myself through the self-righteous glow that often comes with these sort of donations, but I have no spare money and I am not really a political animal so these are not answers for me.

Do other people question there daily existence in this way?  This is generally not a topic of dinner party conversation and as far as I know I am a bit strange in this way.  Are most of the people I know too busy surviving their daily lives that such questions have no place in their repertoire of concerns.  Maybe most people never even think in this way.  I never thought to ask.

I cook, therefore I am.  That I know this to be true.  Right at this moment there are six newly made jars of apple chutney made from apples from the tree in my garden and a loaf of bread is in the oven.  This is normal for  me, no big deal.  Who I am and what my purpose is cannot be this easy, so I dismiss it. I know I believe life needs to be hard to be valuable - bullshit, I tell myself, but the message does not easily sink in. I still cling desperately to the mistaken belief that the harder the struggle, the more valuable the result.  No  struggle means no worthwhile result. I never said I was smart!

I recognise that this is self-defeating thinking and as I look at the calendar I suspect I have just recognised the arrival of my old friend - late autumn doldrums, the harbinger of winter depression.  This is the first time I have identified this thinking before it becomes an inevitable downward spiral.  This is a great positive step in the right direction.  Usually I only see this when I am so deeply mired in the low feelings that I can't see any way out. I am making progress.

Hindsight, insight, foresight.  Maybe this year I can stop asking myself stupid questions.  Who I am just is.  Why I am here doesn't matter, I'm just here.  What is my purpose? I have no idea, the idea is just to do the best I can, enjoy what I have and know that it all will lead  to the same end, so I might as well enjoy it all.

Oh and by the way, I've lost 10 lbs so wherever I am going, I'll be  carrying less weight with me.