Formula 1

Last week I wrote about how I might be a much better 'me' if I applied myself.  One of the comments I received was that I need to stop doing this since I am already extraordinary. My response to this actually interested me and made me stop and think about the way I see myself.

I know I am self-critical and there is no one else in the world who can find my cracks, crevices, lumps, bumps and wrinkles the way that I do.  I also know that very deep down, underneath all those wrinkles, there is a spectacularly wonderful woman.  This does not mean that even deeper down, underneath the spectacular woman I readily acknowledge and love, there is not an explosion of female energy that I am unready or maybe unwilling to release. It is there.

It is this energy I was referring to last week.  I coast through life.  I don't market my work, blow my own trumpet or in any other way advertise my greatness.  Things come to me, or at least enough things to make me feel that the extra effort is not worth the small pay-off.  Since I don't make that extra effort, I am not even sure that the pay off is that small.  It might well be, as I suspect, enormous. I just haven't risked finding out. It is this risk-averse behaviour that is so frustrating.

I feel like a Formula 1 Ferrari that is driving along on a single lane highway reaching speeds of about 60 mph.  People still admire me, what a fabulous body, what design, what clean lines, what a wonderful thing that Ferrari is, but only I really know the power underneath the bonnet.  Only I know that if I left this single track road and put my foot down to the floor on a multi-lane highway I would take off.  One of the problems is that at a sedate 60 mph I still get to my destination, I albeit a bit slower. I get to keep the image intact, not a hair out of place.  I never blow a tyre or swerve dangerously.  Reliable, still beautiful, but not very thrilling.

I know I am an amazing person.  I feel the power I have inside me and I also am very clear that there is more.  It's lovely to hear feedback that says I am extraordinary - we all are, but maybe extraordinary is not enough.

I am reminded of the conversation I had with Vladimir, a Russian man I met when we were both visiting the Osho Resort in India.  He was in awe of the fact that I had actually met Osho and had a darshan with him.  He had only ever read Osho's work.

"What was he like?" he asked.
"Extraordinary!"  I replied.
He looked a bit disappointed.  "Only extraordinary", he said. "When I am drunk I am extraordinary!!"

I guess he was hoping for something more.  So am I.