If it's so good for you ...

Why don't I do it? 
This morning I was thinking about what will help me lift my spirits during these winter days.  I came up with a list of things I could do.  In no particular order here are some of them:

• Meditation
• Physical Exercise
• Healthy Eating
• De-cluttering
• Socialising
• Walking in nature
• Vitamin supplements
• Mindfulness
• Therapy
• Dancing
• Chanting

I do very little, if any,of any of these things.  The question I have to ask myself and perhaps answer in an honest way is,  why not?  There must be some payoff  to me for not doing these things. So let me endeavour to answer my own question.

Why I don't meditate?  It bores me.  It's not active enough.  It feels like a chore.  I feel silly alone at home sitting quietly and exploring the inner workings of me.  I know the answers to all my eternal doubts and questions are inside, but it's not enough fun for me to go there.  I have a friend who spends most of his time in a state of communion with his inner world. For him this works, for me, not quite.  Maybe at some point in my life I will find the path of meditation that works for me, but I haven't found it in the forms of mediatation I have tried.  The cynic in me is still strong, active and very much alive.

Why I don't exercise or join a gym?  I hate it.  Just like meditation feels a bit passive, exercise feels too active, especially at this time of the year.  I used to belong to a local gym.  I went about four times a week.  I even had a personal trainer who put me through my paces and made sure I didn't slack.  I never loved it, actually I hardly even liked it.  I never experienced that liberating euphoric release of endorphins that are supposed to keep us addicted to exercise.  I hated the sweating, the showers and communal changing rooms.  The whole thing felt wrong.  Why am I showering in this place?  Why are all these woman walking around in various states of undress and especially why am I paying out exorbitant amounts of money to be allowed the privilege of rowing endlessly and going nowhere?   There is another reason I don't exercise.  I am a klutz.  I look ridiculous in the exercise clothing that is designed for skinny people who don't need to exercise. I look like a salami tied in all the wrong places in a leotard and I cannot bear inflicting this on myself or others.  And there are so many full length mirrors in gyms.

Healthy eating is an obvious.  All eating is healthy.  All of it helps keep me alive.  Does it really matter if it's a tub of Haagen Das or a plate of frog-spawn resembling quinoa. I am fed up with living in semi-darkness in English winters and eating salads and vegetables.  What I crave are big portions of stodge and I know in my heart of hearts that this food contributes to my lethargy and yet...

Actually right at this moment I do not want to look at the reasons that I do not treat my mindor body in a holistic, healing manner.  It is 4pm and it's dark outside.  We have hardly had any light today.  The dreary weather is beginning to get to me.  I am tired of fighting the good fight against self-pity and depression.  Their is a huge part of me that wants to say 'stop being such a good little soldier and just give in to the urge to eat, sleep and do little else', but luckily there is still a corner of my psyche that knows this is bad advice.  This is the advice that drives me into the arms of misery and I can't afford to listen to this too much.

I have done nothing today.  I went out this morning for a coffee fix and a short walk.  Good. I need the daylight, such as it is, but since coming home I have not washed a dish, dusted a shelf or done anything that I judge to be productive.  No wonder my butt is getting bigger.  I spend most of the winter months sitting on it.

Cynthia, give yourself a break.  There is no one pressuring you, but you.

As I am writing I am getting angry with myself.  I know the healthy choices.  I know that there are things I can do to help lift me out of the hole I see opening up in front of me.  I am not quite in that hole yet, but today it sure looks tempting.