In the wee small hours of the morning...

Lying in bed, at about 5 am, spooned next to Ralph, I started to remember him.  This wasn't as strange as it sounds. I thought about all the years we've been together and all the many adventures we've had.  The memories could not have been sweeter.  I was warm and sleepy and thinking about how I knew all of him, his lumps and bumps and body and just all of him. I thought about how absolutely safe I felt lying next to him  knowing that we are so much there for each other. I snuggled in and dozed off for another hour or two just plain happy.

How wonderful it is to have allowed myself to love someone so completely and for so long. How lucky I am to be with someone who allows himself to be loved in such an open way.  I never imagined this.  As a little girl I never had white wedding fantasies.  I was a pretty rejecting, aggressive little kid.  I never really let people get very close to me and I was so very suspicious of those who tried.  I had boyfriends, not that many really since I met Ralph when I was only 19, but I never really had any intimacy.  I always felt as if I had one eye open all the time scanning the horizon for any threats.  I know that I was hard to get close to and I am even more in awe of Ralph for traversing that minefield.

So many anniversaries, so many parties, gifts and dinners out.  They all add up to some good memories, but they are not the most memorable things we have together.  The depth of our relationship is what counts and I still feel that though I know this man I am with, there is always more.  I love that he still has the power to surprise me.

When I stand  back and reflect on these 41 years I am astounded, astounded that I lasted this long, that I didn't run at any point when I felt frightened of where things were going between us, astounded that Ralph stayed, that I could be such a harridan and mostly he laughs and just sighs a lot and waits me out.  Eventually the Cynthia that we both know is in there returns and reciprocates his love.  Astounded that in today's world I have a marriage that is so strong.  Even as I write this, I get a bit scared that I'll jinx it by saying it out loud, but I think the marriage gods have long stopped focussing on us old folks and are busy elsewhere.

I'm just going to cook a heimish dinner for the two of us - roast chicken, potatoes, roast veg and apple crumble.  Nothing fancy, no Masterchef today, just a down-to-earth good meal that we can share.

I am once again aware of how blessed I am.