Living life accidentally...

When I was a child I never had a vision of what my life would look like when I was older.  I don't remember any images or fantasies of being an adult.  I never imagined myself as an artist, a doctor, a teacher, an air stewardess or anything else.  I didn't see myself as a mother or wife.  I just cannot recall any of those future thoughts and yet I must have had thoughts of being an adult. All kids have some level of seeing themselves as grown up.  How is it that I didn't?  Or at least how is it that I don't remember any of this?

Looking back over my life I seem to have lived it all accidentally. I was like a ship being thrown about by strong waves. I went wherever the wind blew. As I've noticed already things came fairly easy to me and I know that even when I was small I gravitated to what came effortlessly.  I was a talented artist as a child and it seemed that the only thing I can remember doing is drawing, painting and making things, but I never imagined that I would be an artist.

My parents had no more dreams for us except to be happy.  After what they had experienced I don't think they dared to think about future.  How difficult it must have been for them.  They didn't have much trust in anything in the future and they dared not dwell on the horrors of their past.  They were in no way enlightened enough to live fully in the here and now so I can't really imagine how it must have been for them. Most of their time was taken up with the struggle to pay the rent and create a 'normal' life.  They seemed to want nothing more for my brother and myself except to do well and keep smiling.

Today I read an article that said that following a fairly large study from Harvard University it was found that people are happiest when they are fully present in the moment, especially during sex! I'm not sure if I could manage to create enough moments in my day that would encompass that, but I 'm sure I could try.  The study also found that human beings' minds wander and daydream and this creates unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

So the trick for me is to live in the moment and here I thought I should spend time planning my old age.  I have suddenly come face to face with the actual possibility of getting old. In the UK I am referred to as an old age pensioner. Yesterday I was even offered a seat on the train on the way home from work. I know that my body is more saggy and that my hair, under the brown dye,must be more gray, but so far I have managed to avoid living in that future.  I was just considering doing some forward planning, but now I'm not sure.  Certainly I am from a generation that lived more fully in whatever timer we were in.  I never saw myself as old.  I never imagined I would be like my parents, sighing and panting as they climbed stairs and talking about the possibility of living in an old age home.

So here I am.  I am almost shocked to find myself in my 60's.  Unplanned, not enough pension arrangements, though I am still working.  According to the experts I am now shrinking, my vision is deteriorating, my lung capacity is less, my sex drive is waning, my skin has lost its elasticity, my cholesterol is rising, my hormones are depleted and my mental capacities are dimming.  Isn't it a good job I never developed the habit ofliving in the future?  Right now, in this moment, today, I feel pretty good.

In the words of the immortal Doris Day "Que sera,sera".