No Light today...

I am in the most foul tempered mood at this moment.  I debated as to whether or not to write anything at all for this day and decided that I could not just walk away from this mood without noting it.  I felt it coming, like a horrible dreaded maiden aunt's arrival, I have seen the cloud of doom descending for some days and I kept doing small things that I hoped would ward off the arrival of this evil spirit.  No such luck.

After a terrible night's sleep with dreams of a technological catastrophe at my work tomorrow I woke up, got dressed and walked round the corner to buy the Sunday papers.  It took a moment for me to realise that I had walked out coatless and in my slippers. This is the sort of thing that a crazed friend of my family's used to do when I was a kid and I can remember what we said about her.  Luckily I didn't meet anyone I knew and the man who owns the shop has just had a cataract operation so I doubt he noticed. I made poached eggs for breakfast and then remembered that I don't like soft poached eggs. Doh!  I sat down at my computer and started to work on the handout material for my course tomorrow. It took three times as long as I expected. I finally finished my work and embarked on lunch prep.

I knew that this mood was percolating.  The supposed non-stick grill pan stuck like crazy and my beautiful tuna steak was a mess.  The carrots were overcooked and I just felt my internal mood temperature starting to boil.  I almost threw lunch against the wall, but remembered the subsequent cleaning mess that would enrage me even more.

I am now in full, rolling boil.  I just screamed very loudly at Ralph for something that was only a tiny bit his fault and if I really have to look at it, maybe it wasn't his fault at all, but I am nowhere near ready to admit that. My teeth are gritted so hard they might shatter. I also ate half of a large bar of milk chocolate knowing that my skin reacts really badly to milk chocolate so I have that to look forward to later this evening.

I feel like I have an enormous lump of a two-year old's  tantrum sitting in my chest and waiting to reach exploding point and then...watch out!

Why does this happen?  Why, no matter how I try to distract myself, try to do what I know is good for me, create pockets of harmony and beauty in my life, does this pig of a mood take such an iron grip on me?  I really am not a happy bunny right now.

Do not give me advice to relax, chill, accept this new state. Right now I cannot hear you. In the mood I am in I am liable to commit an act that later I may regret.  I am not able to be compassionate, rational or clear thinking.  I nearly smashed my computer a moment ago when it did not behave in a way that I thought was reasonable.  It's a good thing right now that I don't have a dog.  It probably wouldn't survive the day.

I think I will go to bed and wait for the storm to pass. Thankfully it usually does.