'Saturday blissful, Sunday shit. Life!!!"
This comment has got me thinking about the fairground ride that a relationship is , or in my case, marriage.
Saturday was a delightful day. I woke up late. Lazed around the house and took my time getting ready to face the day. In the late morning Ralph and I went out for our Saturday morning amble through our neighbourhood. Stopped, chatted to the man from the local shop, passed the time of day at the pharmacy while picking up necessaries and made our way down to the shops and restaurants via the shoe repairer and the post office. So far, so good. Then we went to the local Vietnamese restaurant and enjoyed a delightful lunch while discussing the differences between the UK and the USA in terms of culture and priorities.
The tone of the day changed a bit when we had a small spat in the street over the way I off-handedly spoke to Ralph. It's true that I am quick to snap and quick to flare up so this temporarily changed the tone of the afternoon. Luckily we both agreed to forget my big mouth moment and carried on with our sweet afternoon outing.
Arriving home we both grabbed the late Saturday afternoon lull to have have a brief afternoon nap. Ah, the wondrous decadence of such a luxury. On waking we got dressed and left to go to Trafalgar Square to a Beethoven concert. A quick 20 minute tube journey and there we were in Trafalgar Square. A moment to notice a giant ship in a glass bottle had been installed on the oft empty plinth in the Square and then to the crypt of the church where the concert was held, to have a snack before settling in.
The concert was sublime. The orchestra was small and perfectly formed and the music and ambience and sound quality was wonderful. Watching Ralph during the concert made me very happy. Every time I looked over at him he had his eyes half-closed and this big grin. He looked as if he'd found religion and that religion was making him very, very happy. Lovely moments amidst beautiful music.
After a perfect (almost Saturday), Sunday was an unmitigated disaster. I mentioned in my blog entry yesterday how angry and irrational I was. I felt enormous pressure building inside me all day and finally popped in the afternoon. As the day drew to a close I was depleted and tired. By the time I went to bed last night I was just exhausted and happy to say farewell to the awful day.
How does that happen? How is it that one day I can be so calm and relaxed and easy and the next I am scratchy and annoyed and annoying? For years I have studied different philosophies and had practice days and group sessions in order to still my mind and bring me to a point of evenness. Obviously I haven't learned the lessons I need or I wouldn't send myself and those close to me on this rollercoaster ride of madness. Maybe I just give myself too much permission with those I love. Would I behave like this at work? with friends? with distant family? The answer is simple. NO! I would bite my tongue, hold my temper, curb my madness impulse. I think it is not a good thing that I let these moods leak all over people. I need to stop it. Just stop it. It is an indulgence that does not make me feel better, clearer or relieved in any way.
Sometimes I watch this programme on TV called 'Supernanny'. This is about an English woman who goes into people's homes and teaches them to cope with their own children. She is the originator of the idea of putting children on a 'naughty step', the place where they have a time out for misbehaving - one minute time out for each year of their age. Maybe the anwer for me is to re-train myself when I go into my indulgent tantrums and put myself on a 'naughty step'. For me that would mean 61 minutes of sitting in silence with no distractions in order to think about what I've just been through. This would be quite a meditation for me.
The more I think about it the more I remember something my mum used to say and it was something I never liked. My mum used to tell me that the reason she could be brutally honest, to the point of offensive, with me was that I was her daughter and it was okay to do this because I wouldn't reject her because of it. What a load of tosh! And I see that this is exactly what I do with my family. I believe I can act out in any unpleasant way because they will love me regardless. This is absolutley true, they will love me, but maybe they, and importantly, I, won't like me so much.
So this may be me turning over a new leaf , the leaf that involves treating those I love with as much respect as I treat strangers. Familiarity breeds love too.
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