Emergency over...

Isn't it amazing how one single episode in the day can start a whole spiral of imagined events in my mind.  Let me expand on this for a bit.

This morning I went to the hairdresser. Nothing unusual in that, I pretty much do this every six weeks.  My hairdresser is in a trendy, upmarket area of London and I always try and make a bit of a fashion effort when I go there. The place is populated by young, trendy Londoners and I don't want to feel like a suburban Jewish old lady, even if I am.  So I got dressed nicely and decided to change my handbag too.  The new handbag was one of those 'organiser' bags.  What this means is that the bag has many, many pockets.  Pockets for train passes, pens, mobile phones, ipods, zips, buttons, buckles and all sorts of bells and whistles. This actually drives me nuts.  The more pockets there are, the more likelihood there is that I will be scrabbling around frantically looking for the pocket that contains my phone, the place where I put my bus pass and the compartment into which I threw all that loose change.  Invariably my phone rings and rings and by the time I've found it, the person has hung up. I am generally better off with a bag that is just a huge sack that I can throw everything into.

I arrived at the hairdresser, was offered my cappuccino and went to have my hair washed. I sat down and made myself comfortable in the reclining massage chair while I had a relaxing head massage and hair wash.  Bliss. I picked up my 'organiser' bag aqnd sat down to have my hair cut.  I love watching my hairdresser work his symmetrical magic as he snips and cuts.  An hour later, all done and looking good, Cynthia.

Standing in the freezing cold waiting for the bus, I bouunced up and down in a fruitless attempt to keep warm.  Once I was on the bus I amused myself by looking into all the windows we passed and tried to imagine the lives of those within. When I was nearly home I thought I would check my phone for any calls I might have missed.  I looked in one pocket, in another, unzipped another section of the damned dis-organiser bag and no phone., I checked the three, four, five other pockets and still no phone. I re-checked the entire bag and finally had to admit to myself that my phone was gone. 

Immediately I felt a wave of dread and anxiety rise inside me.  It almost took me by surprise how papable the feelings were.  One minute I felt absolutely fine, happy with my newly cut hair and planning the shopping I would do on my way home and the next moment there I was, imagining all the repercussions of losing my phone.  I saw myself not having all the phone numbers I rely on, the mobile numbers of family in the States, of business contacts and the hassle of having to call the phone provider and get everything cancelled.  I just  bought this phone a week ago and I was kicking myself for losing it already.  I calmed myself down a bit and started to re-trace my steps.  Was my phone stolen from one of the many unsecured pockets in my bag?  This made me completely panic.  Stolen phone, all my contacts, my identity in the hands of a stranger... but wait, didn't I leave my bag on the floor in the hairdresser?  Didn't I up-end it at one point and maybe not notice that my phone had fallen out?  But yes, of course this was what must have happened.  Phew.

As quickly as the feelings of panic rose, they subsided.  I knew that  my phone was under the chair I had reclined in to have my hair washed.  All I had to do was phone the the hairdressers and they would keep it for me until I could pick it up.  I could carry on with my shopping and calmish journey home.  Relax, breathe, breathe some more. More distressing for me was how quickly I was unbalanced over this loss.  I suddenly saw my world collapsing over the loss of a stupid phone.  This is terribly unsettling.  The fact that I could be shaken up in this way was not the mark of a woman in control of her life.  And yet, I saw it all.  I watched the feelings rise and they didn't last that long.  I felt the anxiety take hold and was disturbed by it immediately.  I also was able to stop and think logically in order to work out what might have happened.

I suddenly stopped worrying.  The anxiety dissipated.  My blood pressure dropped back to normal.  As soon as I walked in my door I was on the phone to the hairdresser and as I thought, they found my phone.  Emergency over.  Crisis averted. Breathe deeply.

Maybe next time something silly like this happens I can remember with the benefit of hindsight what happened today.  Maybe next time I'll be able to stay calm in the face of an imagined catastrophe.  Maybe next time I can even stop catastrophising altogether.  I guess the first step is the one I took today - just noticing. Maybe soon there won't be a next time.