For the past few days I've been sick with a sneezy, snotty cold. Full of self-pity, I slept for two days and now feel a bit better so this morning, the first sunny one for weeks, I took a walk. As I was walking the familiar streets of my neighbourhood I noticed that most people were smiling today. After so many days of bitter cold and snow, there was a palpable sense of relief in the air, as well as a smidget of warmth.
Rather than having cabin fever from spending so much time indoors, at the moment I am absolutely luxuriating in the awareness that I am safe, warm and happy. I am sitting here in my usual spot on the couch and working hard to try and figure out what is different this year. Why didn't that much-feared and much anticipated depression arrive this winter? What have I done differently? Has there been a planetary shift that's affected my hormones? Has my changed diet made a difference? Am I coming down with an attack of sanity? Ralph always used to kid me by saying that he would know when I was showing the first signs of Alzheimers because I would get happy. Is this what's happening or am I just bored with the sameness of my misery?
Maybe that's it. The misery and depression I suffer from most winters is always the same. I always follow the same patterns. I want to sleep all day. I eat twice as much as normal. I forget to do any of the things that make me happy. I feel as if it will never end, never let up and I feel like dying. Maybe after so many seasons of this I am finally saying 'Enough!' Maybe I finally admitted to myself that dying is not a reasonable option and also admitted that being half-dead while still alive is horrible. If this is one of the reasons I feel more uplifted and more balanced this winter, then that's fine.
In trying to analyse this winter's difference I also have to admit that I am eating in a healthier, more nourishing way. Last winter I seemed to allow myself an orgy of cakes, sweets, puddings, baked goods and various Christmas treats. This year I am eating hardly any sugar and far fewer carbohydrates and maybe that's also contributed to my increased energy. Don't get carried away - when I say increased energy I mean that I only want an afternoon nap every day, not 18 hours of sleep out of every 24. I haven't yet climbed mountains or even been to the gym, but I do take more walks (especially if there are shops along the route).
And finally, writing. What a joy and delight it is finding my voice. I am still struggling to clarify my true voice on a page, but what a wonderful journey it is. Writing down my thoughts and my history has helped me clarify myself. I feel much more grounded in who I am am and much more connected with where I came from. I am finding it really therapeutic to record all my quirks and moods. To be able to stand back and re-read where I am has meant that what initially seemed so serious has faded and what is important has left a pure impression on me. I have to admit that after a year of doing this blog almost daily it has become a habit (?), an addiction(?), a daily treat for myself and a special gift. Who would have imagined a year ago that I would have found this. I always imagined that when I found the outlet for my emotions it would have been through art and painting, but it's been much more through writing and cooking and remembering.
For many years I have been concerned with the role of memory in our lives. What is the point? Do we spend so much time looking at the past just to beat ourselves up about our unsuccessful present. Are we all frustrated Freudians looking back in order to justify and understand? For me, I have found an answer. Not the definitive one, that still remains to be discovered, but I have found out that through memory and recollection and exploration I have discovered the person that I am now. I am an accumulation of those memories, places, people and events that have preceeded me. I am a wonderful jigsaw puzzle of all those genetic imprints, but I am also like a cake recipe and like a recipe, it may look the same to each person who reads it, but it depends on the person making the cake as to the end result. I get to be the ultimate alchemist of my life. I get to distill all these memories and events into my self. I get to decide how I will be and right at this moment, I have decided that I will be a masterpiece.
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