Oh No!

Last night was the first night of Chanukah.  For days I've been anticipating the arrival of this annual festival of light.  As I said, a few days ago I fetched the menorah, haphazardly polished it, got the candles out and even had a latke trial run.  So what happened yesterday, the official first night?  We forgot.  Forgot all about it.  I came home from work exhausted, freezing cold, ice and snow on the ground and Ralph home with a bad cold.  I put some dinner together, though I'm not sure if rice crackers and porridge count as dinner, watched some bad reality TV and fell asleep.  At 3 am I awoke with a start and remembered the candles.  At 6am Ralph woke up feeling worse than the day before.  When I told him we had forgotten to light the first night candles he suggested we do it at 6 am, but that thought really didn't appeal to me, so I went back to sleep.

What sort of disorganised life am I living where I can't even remember to do the things I want to do, never mind the things I am obligated to do.  I often allow my life to overwhelm me and don't stop often enough to take stock, think about what I want and muster the energy to do  things.  A bit of me really understands why people used to retire at 60.  For the last year I feel like I have been going through the motions of living my working life.  I get up very early, get my make-up on, this seems to take a little longer every year, and set off for work.  I drive to the train station in the cold and dark, having first de-iced the car windows, and travel to work.  I get off the train in the dark and enter the building where I run my courses only to emerge eight hours later in the dark and reverse my morning journey.  I stand for most of my train journey home and am in two minds as to whether I want to look old and tired enough for someone to offer me a seat or prefer to stand and keep my dignity.  I get back in my car and sit in a traffic jam for the next half hour.  When I get home I try to be creative about dinner, but often, as it did last night, it consists of something weird, easy and immediate.  Food, TV, sleep is the usual evening pattern.

This is not much of a life.  It is not enough.  Sure I can do this and yes, we need the income that work brings, but I think I am a bit fed up with this habitual pattern I seem to have fallen into.  I want to be somewhere else.  I don't even think I physically want to be somewhere else, but  the way that I approach my life needs to be relocated or re-framed in some way.  I want to live in a more satisfying way.  The question for me is how?  I know all the maxims about the more energy you put out, the more you have, but at the moment I feel depleted.  I do have to admit that I am actually quite lazy. There, I've said it.  I am a lazy person.

This admission of laziness is both easy and difficult.  It's easy to say it because it feels absolutely true, but it's difficult because I grew up believing laziness was a terrible sin.  To be lazy meant that you were selfish, that you didn't care about other people, that your life was only about yourself and what you wanted. Is this true?  Yes and no.  I do want to be left unbothered and alone and in this I do feel selfish.  When I feel this way I really don't care too much for others but I can rouse myself from my slothful stupor if needed.

There is a big difference for me between busyness and laziness.  I can be very busy and still recognise the lazy streak in myself.  I am endlessly busy, or I could be if I wasn't so lazy. There is always something to do, somewhere to go or something to shop for.  I just want to get off the merry-go-round of life for a bit.

These snow days in London are a bit of a gift.  When the snow is thick on the ground everything slows down and gets so much quieter. I actually believe that the reason we are so bad here at coping with a little bit of snow - the trains don't run, the airports shut, schools closed - is because we want it that way. Just as winter really hits and everyone wants to hibernate, the British powers that be arrange things in such a way that we can take a few days off to live in pajamas in our warm, cozy houses.  I applaud this national inefficiency.

So, as a result of the weather, Ralph being home sick and my not working until next week, I have decided to embrace my inner laziness.  I am putting my arms round my laziness and hugging it to myself.  I will allow it for as long as I am not bored into action. I will bring compassionate awareness to my slothful self.

Meanwhile, today I will also try and remember to light the second night of candles for Chanukah.  I wish everyone a time of illumination, joy and great potato latkes!