287...

Yesterday...

287 entries on this site.  I've written down thoughts 287 times and there have been almost 5700 views of the pages I've written.  I find this extraordinary.  I rarely have anything terribly important to say and the fact that a number of people get something out of reading what I write still astounds me.

I've spent a bit of time thinking about what I should write about and today it became clear that I need to explore my need to self-sabotage.  Let me explain this so I can feel clear about what I mean without being overly dramatic. I know this makes a change for me, since melodrama is my middle name, but I am trying to be less hysterical and more reasonable. By self-sabotage I mean that I seem to have an unconscious desire to mess things up just when they're going right.

I have now lost about 18 lbs (8.5 kgs).  This is finally an amount that shows and the clothes that I relegated to the 'don't fit' pile now fit me again.  I feel better,my back hurts less and I really like the way I look.  I do have more to lose, but it's a great start.  So what did I do today?  I bought a box of biscuits and ate over half the box in one fast gulp.  I knew what I was doing.  I consciously bought the biscuits, no one sneaked them into my shopping next to the cottage cheese. I also knew that I would get home, put the television on and scoff the lot.  At least I stopped at just over half the packet.

As I was eating these biscuits I experienced a definite sense of deja vu.  I've been at this point before. Every time I lose some weight I get to a point where I feel I okay, I look fine and my weight is at a reasonable, if not ideal, level and then I begin to gain the weight back again.  I start to slip back into old patterns of eating and stop eating in as healthy a manner.  I start skipping meals, as I did this morning, so that a packet of biscuits seems like a reasonable thing to buy.  Before I can really stop and think,my weight starts to creep up. This is what I mean by self-sabotage.  I am easily placated with the attitude that 'it'll do for now', even though it could be, I could be, so much better.

It's not about how much weight I lose or don't lose. It's about an awareness and mindfulness that I let go.  It's about the fact that this is a repeating pattern for me.  I always achieve nearly my goal and then start to slip.  I get to nearly the finish line and I often have thoughts about it being enough, and so I stop making an effort and slow down to a crawl and then stop.  I've done it hundreds of times in so many areas of my life. Good to see it now, before I stop again.

Today... different day, different thoughts

As I was driving today and singing at the top of my voice I remembered Krishna Das talking about living in grace and realised that I had no real idea of what that meant.  It seemed so esoteric, so unbounded by my everyday life and mundane worries and so far away.  Far away from my visit to the dentist, my shopping expeditions and my thoughts about tonight's dinner menu.  I came home and started reading about grace, about what it means to live in a state of grace, a state of infinite beauty and blessing and then I got it, just for a tiny moment, I got it. 

Love it all.