Two days in...

The second day  of a new year and already I've been asked what my resolutions are for this year.  I decided last year that I wouldn't waste energy on making empty promises to myself or others about what I would do or not do in the coming year.  It feels such an arbitrary thing.  The calendar says it's a new year and therefore time to re-assess our lives.  The calendar says that another year has passed and on this specific date we should stop and acknowledge it by giving up things, joining gyms or starting detox diets.

It seems to me that this process of self-examination or navel-gazing is often a sop to our consciences.  It makes us all feel better if on the cusp of this paper-induced new year we promise ourselves and others that we will do things differently, that we will change our behaviour, our actions, our life circumstances over the next 365 days and then at the end of 365 days we do the exact same resolution thing again. If this process really worked my friends, family and I would be close to achieving perfection.  We are not.

When asked by some friends the inevitable questions about what resolutions I've made I stopped for a moment and thought about it.  What am I going to stop this year?  What am I going to start?  Am I going to DO anything differently?  The answer is an unreserved no.  I am not going to resolve to DO anything.  I know that I will achieve some things, disappoint myself in others and maintain an organic stasis overall. I will not vow to lose weight, though if I do, great. I have already stopped smoking.  I might, and this is a slight might, join a gym.  I certainly will carry on writing this blog, though I no longer have the same burning need to release feelings and reveal my thinking to myself as I did a year ago and I know that I will carry on watching bad television and secretly reading the National Enquirer at airports.

I would love to be able to say that I will change the way I eat and become a health freak doing all that I can to ensure that I live to be a hundred, but I know that I am ultimately too lazy to do all that that entails.  I will maintain my friendships and this past year has given me the rare and special opportunity to make new friends.  I will continue to knit like a mad Madame Defarge at the guillotine.  I will try and learn to use my sewing machine by overcoming my irrational fear of the damned thing, but if I don't, it doesn't matter too much since I really love sewing things quietly by hand.

One answer I gave a friend when asked about my resolutions was that I will endeavour to play some new games this year.  I am tired of all the games I play in my life - the ones that fool me into thinking that I am doing something.  This year I may play happier games, more positive ones and maybe even some that make me feel good.  I am not a positive person.  I am enthusiastic and creative, but I have never been referred to as positive.  Maybe this year I can be a tiny bit more optimistic though this is hardly a given.  If it naturally evolves, so be it.  If I become a more positive, optimistic woman the biggest problem I would have would be working out how I would ever recognise myself. 

So, as this second day of 2011 comes to an end, I will make a promise to do one thing - try to live more fully. good, bad, indifferent - whatever comes I will try to be open to new experiences, new reactions and new responses.  The same old stuff has so far yielded the same old stuff.  I am not resolving to do anything except be less bored this year.  It worked pretty well last year, so I think I'll try it again.