For the past few weeks I have been waking every morning at about 4 am. I get up, go to the bathroom and return to my bed, and then I just lie there and stare at the ceiling, or lie there and don't stare at the ceiling, or just lie there and watch my thoughts. The one thing I don't do very easily is fall asleep. My thoughts are so involved and so circular that they don't let go of me for long enough for my mind to relax into sleep. I certainly don't let go of them for any time. I obsess about small details and plan my life for the next months.
"Will the weather in Ipswich be nice enough next week, will I get a tan, have I gained weight, can I actually appear in something sleeveless if it's hot (an immediate no to this), will I make anything in the pottery course, will I make anything nice, will the weather in italy during the week there be good, will the mountain road scare me this year, what time should we leave for the airport, have I gained too much weight to appear in public, why do I always abandon good intentions and not treat myself well, am I too old to carry on working in the way I do, am I any good at my work or am I just fooling myself, should I tell Ralph how I am feeling, is there any point in telling anyone how low I feel, will it change anything, will it fix anything, I am so tired of all of this self-doubt and anxiety, why talk about it it won't change, I thought this had gone away and now that it's back, why do I feel embarrassed to say it out loud, if I don't say it, will it go away????????????"
I AM DEPRESSED! Damn! Not only am I depressed, I am so very disappointed in myself for finding myself in this oh so familiar state again. I thought I had it licked once and for all. I guess pride really does come before a fall and how much I feel I have fallen. That's why I am writing again today. I need to put this out there and somehow be able to examine this stuck sensation that is actually making me feel slightly sick to my stomach today. While I was walking down the street today, the noise, the smells and the proximity of people felt too much. I am working tomorrow and thank goodness I am as good as I am at compartmentalising my life. I am usually able to switch on auto-pilot and deliver my courses at a high standard. The problem is that when I feel like this my confidence is so low that no matter how high the standard of my delivery, the result never really pleases me. I have to watch that and remember to recognise myself for what I do and how good I am.
When did this self-doubt and low feeling begin? When did it grow into the dark cloud that I feel like I am living under right now? Why isn't it gone?
I have no real answers. I have lots of theories, lots of self-analysis, but no answer. I think that even if I had the definitive why, I would still feel the same. I would not have the solution. It is not as simple as pressing a button or changing my mood. I can change my mood, but it feels superficial. I can socialise and entertain and chat. Oh god, can I chat. I am thinking of making chatter an Olympic sport nd entering myself as the chief competitor. I know I chatter more when I am low, as if the noise in my head will be drowned out by my words. I guess that's why 4 am is so tough, there's so much less noise to drown out my feelings.
I am not writing more about this now. I believe it's a positive thing to have come out of the closet of misery. I can't quite declare 'I'm out and I'm proud' at this very moment, but I am here. I have arrived at this point and it is a better place than secrecy.
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