This is the fifth blog entry I have begun in the past few weeks. I think I am beginning to develop a writer's stutter. A condition that means I begin to write and then I hesitate. I begin again and get distracted. I begin again and decide that what I thought was important to get down in words is actually completely unimportant and in the Buddhist /Eastern tradition I just begin to understand that what is, is... and so I stop writing. I think I have to stop not meeting myself like this. I am starting to suspect that I am avoiding myself. It wouldn't be the first time I avoided myself. I am a master at the art of avoidance.
STOP!!! Back up, rewind, begin again.
No, that's not true, I am not a 'master' of avoidance, that is just one of those blanket statements that I make to exaggerate my feelings or behaviour so that I can create a story for myself. I am not much of a master, more of a talented amateur. As a matter of fact, I find it tough to avoid the things that disturb me. I obsess, I anxiatate (I think that is an invented word) and I chatter on to all those willing to listen until I can no longer avoid myself and have dissipated all the energy around disturbing events. I am doing this at the moment.
A few months back I did some work that I was unhappy with. I didn't listen to my gut reaction telling me not to take on the contract and proceeded to work for a client in whom I didn't have much confidence and deliver a programme I felt hesitant about. It worked (sort of) though I still wasn't happy with the work or the client. I recently resigned from a part of the programme that I felt unable to deliver properly and this was the right decision. This partial resignation still left me feeling unsure and there was still a sinking feeling inside me every time I thought of the future work to which I was still committed.
A few days ago I was given more information about the internal politics and crises my client organisation was dealing with. My training consultant colleagues had been shabbily treated and I felt even more distressed that I was still committed to working with this chaotic organisation. After much deliberation and now I see that it was probably more deliberation than the issue deserved, I finally pulled the plug on the rest of this work. Sure, the money would have been useful, but I saw with crystal clarity that I need to take care of myself in all of this. I walked away from the last time I worked with this client feeling unsure and somewhat dissatisfied with my work.
I now see that it was also the state that the organisation was in that was creating distress in me. The staff there are unhappy, demotivated and angry and I was on the receiving end of their anger at their own management. I will not do that again. I will not let myself be used as on outsider whipping post. This is the right decision for me. So why does it feel so bad? Why do I feel that I have let myself down? I do believe that I should be able to shoulder all of these things, shrug them off and fix the situation. It is usually the last thing I do - fix the situation by fixing it for me. It is unusual for me to put myself first. Maybe that's why it feels so shaky.
One of these days I will learn to trust my gut - to go with my self-protective feelings and to take care of me first. I am very good at giving myself 'things', at buying myself stuff, but I am not nearly as good at nourishing and loving the little me that today needs a bit of TLC.
I am pleased that I am still learning, that I am still discovering ways to be kind to myself. Next time, maybe I won't hesitate so much before taking care.
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