Early morning in Connecticut

The house is still quiet. I'm all packed, ready to fly out tonight and resume normal service back in London tomorrow morning. It's been a fine visit.  My father is still hanging in there and is rapidly descending into a world that I can't access with him anymore.  This is no different to my expectations, so feels alright.

Yesterday I had an interesting day having a new experience of New England. Driving into Massachusetts, where the trees are beginning to change colours and the churches look like something out of a Hollywood film set, was delightful.  We (my brother, sister-in-law and I) went to someplace called the Yankee Candle Factory which advertises itself as the 'Scenter of the Universe'.An interesting place to visit for someone with allergies.

After walking through a giant sales floor selling thousands of candles in varieties like popcorn, mango and passion fruit and clean linen, amongst hundreds of other scents, my olfactory sense had luckily just about closed down.  We then went on to a candy shoppe(!) where they sold gigantic apples dipped in caramel, coated in chocolate and then covered in mini-sweets.  People seemed to be queuing up to buy this stuff.  I resisted all this chocolate temptation and felt quite righteous.

After a good meal and a walk and wander round Amherst I could see the appeal of the small town life, but it's not for me.  I'm a city dweller and the buzz, dirt, mixed ethnicity and diversity of London is where I am most comfortable.  I do feel different here.  I understand the word 'alien' as it applies to new immigrants or visitors.  I do feel out of this world and a bit odd.  I also have to admit to a certain amount of smug superiority, of which I am only slightly ashamed. I am uninvolved in the American way of life and happy to leave it.

If not for my family here, I don't think I would visit anymore. I know there are beautiful places in the US, but the rest of the world is so much more interesting.  Walking through this candle place yesterday I watched people buying dozens of expensive scented candles, tchotchkis for their homes and assorted unnecessary crap, whilst the country bemoans a deficient health service, rising unemployment and the alienation of the younger generation.  Something is not right somewhere.

Today I will visit my dad before setting off for the airport.  For the past year I have wondered if this time will be the last time I see him.  I know he's no longer really my dad.  His spirit and vitality left him this year, but in there somewhere is the man who gave me so much love and cared so strongly and faithfully for my brother and me, that I can't really see this wheelchair-bound, little old man in any other way. I know that his life has little quality left.  His mind has gone and his survivor-infused body refuses to follow.  My wish is that we both go gently in our travels.

Living in limbo

I travel alot.  My family lives in America, my friends all over the world and i also like travelling and seeing new places.  Yesterday I was in Denver airport, watching people in cowboy hats, women in bizarrely bright coloured clothing and lots of huge fat bellied men (and women).  I realised that I could stop and look at whoever and whatever I wanted.  I was alone and had no one I needed to turn to for permission, or turn to in conversation. 

I suddenly had an overwhelming sense of aloneness and an unreal sense of non-existence.  If I spoke to no one, interacted with people as little as possible, I realised I felt as if I wasn't really there.  Odd feeling, that.  It extends into today. 

Suddenly I feel like none of this matters.  All the travel, seeing family, shopping - it all feels a bit empty.  I feel suffused with feelings that I have no real outlet for.  When I'm home with Ralph I can really talk with him.  I get feedback from him and get to clarify a lot through our conversations.  For the past weeks I have felt like I've spoken a lot of words but said very little.  This is unsettling.

I saw my father this morning and I found that so, so sad.  He looks more frail than he did a few months ago and he really is not reachable anymore.  He either stares expresssionlessly out into the distance or he babbles in a mixture of Yiddish and English.  I didn't expect that he would knw me and he didn't.  I don't think he even knew I was there at all.  Even though I told myself I was prepared for that, it still made me unbearably sad.  I just kept looking at this frail, old man in a wheelchair and remembered the strong, vital dad he used to be.  For my own sake I need to let go of the old image for the next few days.  It gets me nowhere.

I'll go back and see him again this afternoon.  I told him I loved him and I did get a response. He said 'Me too", that was enough.

Saying goodbye

It's been a wonderful visit. It seems so impossible that tomorrow morning I leave San Francisco and make my way cross country. I have wonderful kids. I must have done something right for them both to give me so much 'naches'. I am so blessed.

Tomorrow I see my brother. In a few days I'll be back in London and life goes back to normal.
Now I am going to finish packing an incredibly over-stuffed suitcase. I imagine I'll not be back on line for a day or two.

Wishing me a Bon voyage.

On the tourist trail

I spent a lovely day today with my very grown up son and his girlfriend. What a surprise it is to see my 'little boy' caring for me and his girlfriend. He pointed out to me that I seem to always think of him as six years old. Now my six year old has beard!
Tomorrow is my last full day here in San Francisco with my kids. I don't need to go touring. I know the city and I came to spend time with my children. I am amazed that they are both so willing to spend whole days with me. It's not all perfect - I do find myself being careful in what I say or do, but no more careful than I should be with anyone I respect.

I can remeber when my mother would arrive in London for one of her annual visits. I would clean and clear endlessly because I was so afraid of her judgements. She always said that she was allowed to criticise me and be generally negative because I was her daughter and therefore she didn't have to watch her words, as she put it. Now that I find myself as the visiting mum I try and remember how disrespectful I found all those judgements and hopefully I'm not doing the same to my kids.

I'm looking forward to the cooler weather on the East Coast. Today we did play tourist and went to Fishermans Wharf. Eating crab, watching the sea lions and enjoying the sun and my son, was lovely. Tomorrow I'll spend the day with my daughter. I am very happy and if Ralph were with it would be even better.

Technological panic

I have a new camera.  I should be excited and on some level, I am, but I am also a little bit afraid.  I bought the camera yesterday and brought it back to my kids' apartment, unwrapped it and figured I could just point and shoot.  Wrong!  There is an entire CD with instructions on how to use the damned thing.  There are knobs and buttons and settings and all sorts of fancy things I could do with this new piece of equipment if I wasn't so nervous of it.  I'm sure I'll get the hang of it eventually.


Shame really because San Francisco is filled with the most bizarre assortment of people I have even seen collected in one place.  Old, young, gay, straight, crack-addled, transvestite, you name it,  I have seen them all on the bus.  Yesterday I saw some homeless people sleeping on the street with their wheelchairs securely fastened at their sides.  I have never seen that before.


The weather is beautiful, hot and sunny, but it feels so odd to me since in my mind summer is already over.  The city is sweet.  Small and manageable.  I like being here and feel very relaxed and easy about getting about on my own.


I have also been cooking while I've been here.  it's awfully hard for me to just be on holiday.  i have to keep busy and cooking for an appreciative audience is part of my way of relaxing.  In a few days I'll be in Connecticut and see my dad.  That still is part of my holiday time and I have to remind myself of that.  My brother tells me that my father is not really very aware of anyone anymore and has reverted to speaking Yiddish.  At least I will understand him.  the people in the home he lives in don't, but it doesn't really matter since he doesn't make much sense anymore.


I am really looking forward to seeing my brother and then going hone and seeing Ralph.

San Francisco days

I finally fulfilled the fantasy of hot summery days in SF.  The temperature here was in the 90's and it was bloody hot.  spent a wonderful morning at the Farmers Market, tasting all these California fruits and treats.  Then walked to a sublimely California tea lounge where for inflated prices you got to drink weak tea combined with faux philosophy - wonderful.


The visit with my children is great.  They are kind and caring and very capable.  I love seeing the way they run their home (much better than I do my own).  Everything is pristine and they actually clean and clear all the time.  We invited some cousins for dinner last night and it felt 'heimlich' and warm to be entertaining in my kids' home. Makes me proud to be their mum and I don't know if they are like this because of something I've done right, or in spite of what I've done!


I do wonder if my son will every return to the UK.  It makes me so sad to think that both my kids will be settled so far away.  I think my son would consider coming back, but the economy mitigates against, not to mention his girlfriend!  It makes me angry that whole generations of kids are stuck in places they didn't really choose because of work.  The economic mess that the world is in is having an effect on all of us, I'm just grateful that my son has a job at all.


It feels really strange and also normal to be here.  I want to cook and take care of these 'children' who are no longer children.  They don't need me to do this, so it's actually fun to cook a meal, or make some soup.  I do wish they didn't feel they had to accompany me everywhere.  I like being on my own and shopping and pottering around, so tomorrow I'll try and escape from the well-meaningness of family!

Spelled badly on my tiny iPod

Lying in bed in a strange apartment, totally jet lagged at 4am. I've officially run out of middle of the night things to do. So far I've planned our dinner menu, made the shopping list, tried on my new shoes, dyed my hair, shaved my legs and showered. Jet lag is a drag, but productive.

I am reduced to turning on the TV and let me tell you if you want to know the real heart and soul of a nation, have a look at broadcasting in the early hours of the morning. So far we have fat aids,mattresses, incontinence stuff, protect your identity and the religious evangelists. I may keep channel surfing for a while. I'm bound to come up against a rerun of Friends!

My visit with my kids is so sweet. The are both very caring of me and just want me to take care of myself - pretty much as I often treat them. The tough part is how much more I miss them while I'm here. That sounds nuts but I can feel that we would all love to be living closer. I am trying to let go of that sadness so I don't miss the time we have together.

Tomorrow down to the Bay to the Farmers Market and some time in the glorous sun. I really am in California.