Working with the mind is not something I value very much. Good at it - yes, Valuable - no. it gives me little in the way of feeding the part of me that is hungry. This is the heartful or compassionate core of myself. This is the core that loves chanting, raising my voice with others and singing, hearing music and poetry and prayer. I realised that very strongly this morning. As I was getting tired and edgy after hours of writing course material I opened an e-mail from the organisers of concerts for Krishna Das. The mail contained a clip of Krishna Das with Bernie Glassman, a Buddhist Roshi. They talked together and Krishna Das sang and I felt myself totally lifted away from the irritations and distractions of the morning.
Glassman spoke of the Bodhi mind - the action of all of us as sentient beings to attain 'right' action, which essentially is no action. Does that make sense? I am beginning to understand the sense of this for me. It is somehow connected to putting your heart in place of another, whether poor, needy, homeless or hurting. When we can do that with full compassion, then there is no 'action' needed, just doing what is, in the moment and it will be 'right'.
Bringing compassion to my life is one thing that I know, deeply and completely know, will transform me - transform the doubt, the suffer trips that I send myself on and the disharmony that I experience so often. The sense of unsettling disquiet makes me restless and unhappy would heal if I brought that compassion to myself, but I don't. I recognise that this state of judgement and negativity is still more familiar than the effortless harmonious one. Compassion is an answer, not just for me, but for everything. Knowing and being are not the same, unfortunately.
Having just spent time in the Humaniversity in Holland I also see that there is a difference between being busy, being useful, being capable and being happy. Part of me is very happy there. I am able to work to my strengths and I certainly enjoy this. I love being useful and lap up appreciation, but I still feel this internal disquiet. This sense of never feeding the part of me that is dissatisfied and depressed is just bubbling below the surface and only needs me to stop running for a moment and BANG - there it is again. No wonder I return home so very tired. it's hard to keep ahead of me.
Maybe this state is chemical. No, even I don't believe that. It could be genetic and inherited. I spent my life with a mother who was not very happy. I know how to do this. I am a Master at this behaviour. I could teach others this skill, but ask me to relax and be, just be, in a state of kindness and gratitude and I fall to pieces. Well, not actually pieces, I am still intact, but I certainly am not content. I am loved - this I know. I am able to love others - of this I am sure, but it still isn't IT. I think that's why I gain weight so much; I keep trying to feed this tiny part of me that is not OK. Bringing compassion to myself is an answer. But how? and finally, when?
Chanting is good. I forget all the stories and excuses I surround my life with. I forget that I can or can't do things. I can sing. It doesn't matter how well, it simply matters that I do, but people who sing all the time are usually institutionalised and I still want to live in this world for a while. And right now I am tired again. At the Humaniversity I seem so well, but I feel so lonely, even when surrounded by people.
Most people do not believe me when I express these feelings. I am a consummate actress. Actually that's not true, I am just able to let this part of me sleep while the lively, engaged bit is awake, but the unhappy part of me always wakes up and sometimes takes over. The reason I write this blog is so I can express this stuff, but even so, it is easier to keep this hidden. Sometimes all of me demands to come out of hiding. Today is one of those days.
Compassionate mind, compassionate heart....
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