Skills, Talents, Abilities and choices

One of the facets of my character that is never in real doubt for me is that I am especially multiskilled.  I can pretty much do whatever I put my hand to doing.  From as early as I can remember I was painting and drawing.  I've written about this before and don't need to go into my self-thwarted artist history, but there are also the many things I can do, and do well.

Today I felt like giving myself a boost and listing things I am able to do and proud of doing well.  I need this today.  Yesterday I came back from my Dutch weekend.  I always enjoy the appreciation I get for the things I do there and then come home and life often seems a little flat.  I like being amongst people though today I am pretty tired and used most of the day to just relax and sleep.

One of the things I can and do enjoy doing in Holland is cooking for the Humaniversity staff.  They have be the most appreciative audience I have ever encountered.  They normally have pretty plain, wholesome vegetarian food and I come along with my Jewish mother instinct and just want to feed them. This time I made carrot cake with a very yummy cream cheese icing and it was pounced upon and devoured with glee.  This makes me happy.  If the way to people's hearts is through their stomachs, I like having this direct line.

I did some calligraphy on my friend's certificates.
Wrote some text for their new web site.
Made some corrections to publicity material.
Re-wrote a cumbersome complaints process.
Helped advise in the kitchen.

Apart from the things I did in Holland which I do not count as special, though they were enjoyable and useful, I am also able to sew, knit, crochet, upholster, make beautiful painted bowls, boxes and do Old English manuscript lettering. I cook, bake great bread, cakes cookies, bagels, stollen, etc.  I can repair a broken plug, change a light bulb and take out the garbage.  I have hand-painted floors to look like Persian rugs, stenciled walls and made cushions.  I have mounted exhibitions, designed cards, and publicity materials.  The list goes on and yet...

I recognise as I write this stuff that I don't particularly value these abilities.  They come fairly naturally to me and I guess I can see that the things I value are the things that are difficult.  If it doesn't involve some sort of suffering it's not worth a lot.  Now, as I write this I see that this is disturbingly stupid.  Why do I have the idea that no pain, no gain is the only thing that's real. Who input this cock-eyed idea that if it doesn't hurt, it isn't worth much?  It doesn't actually matter who put this idea into my head, what matters is that I am the only one who can change this.  Maybe the first step is to actually value myself for what I can do, rather than beating myself up for what I can't do.

I spent a wonderful weekend, amongst dear, dear friends.  I had an enormous amount of positive feedback but, despite this, the loudest voice I choose to hear is an insensitive comment from  someone I count as a friend.  It was said, I believe, in a light hearted way that friends have when they feel relaxed and easy together and yet, it is the one thing I take away from this weekend.  It mirrored so closely the criticism I make of myself and thought I had sorted.  I guess not. I guess I choose to hear some things really loudly and I choose to still be hurt by them. I also am clear it has nothing to do with the person who said this. It's me and my choice to take this on. In the words of Bob Newhart - "STOP IT"!

I can also choose to remember all the hugs and all the good times I have with my friends and feel great about this.  I can also choose to come back to my beloved and bask in the delight of being home.

I just need to remember to make the right choices. I am worth more than that to myself and to others,  I have choices about how I see myself and what I take to heart.  Today I am trying to remember my beautiful self.  Not so easy, but very necessary.