Fat mind/Thin mind

After having sworn off dieting earlier this year, I find myself, once again on a diet.  Not exactly a diet, but readjusting my way of eating in such a way that I lose weight.  What's the difference, I hear you ask?  Well, none actually.  I am not adjusting my eating so as to get healthy.  I am healthy, just too big. So what happened?

As the year went on and the winter took hold I found that slowly, slowly my weight was creeping up.  At first it was imperceptible. I could tell myself that it was just a case of trousers being slightly tighter, waistline expanding and then it became a case of buying new, larger sized trousers.  Finally, I caught sight of myself in a number of full-length mirrors and had a proper shock.  There was this large, puffy, older woman staring back at me.  Too much weight round the midriff, rounder face, jowls more prominent and generally looking short and tubby.  I knew I could no longer ignore the evidence in front of (and all around) me.  I needed to stop allowing myself the treats that I had quietly incorporated into my daily diet.

I do not really own a full length mirror.  I have arranged mirrors in different rooms.  In one I can see my head and shoulders. In another I can see myself mid-section upwards, in another I can see my feet and the bottom of my legs.  Usually I don't have to piece all the puzzle bits together. Confronting my entire image in shop window reflections or changing room mirrors was like those old 'magic eye' pictures.  Suddenly a light went on, the reality hit me, I saw the whole image at once and knew I had to change.

So far I have lost 5 lbs.  Not bad and I have found it fairly straightforward.  I have started listening to my inner self-talk more but I don't think I'm listening to the most nurturing voices.  There is the fat mind voice that tells me that one piece of cake, ice cream or french fries won't do any harm.  'Hell, go ahead, have it, life is too short for all this denial, so you can have a better day tomorrow, it can't do that much harm'.  All of these little messages are whispered in my proverbial ear.  There is a bit of validity in this voice but it is irresponsible, manipulative and quite seductive.

The thin mind voice is far more strict. 'No fries, no slippage, don't eat that cheesecake, the pounds will pile on, your foot thing (plantar fascitis) is caused by being overweight, your back will hurt more, your cholesterol will go up, you can't carry on looking like this, you have to change, you look slovenly and you are beginning to show every single year of your age, stop eating'. My god, this voice is critical, negative and judgmental. Not at all motivating, more punishing and harsh.

Now you can see the problem here.  These schizophrenic minds/voices actually do not need listening to at all because there is another voice, the voice of the compassionate mind.  This is the voice I have to strain to hear.  I have to listen very, very hard and make everything else go quiet so I can hear it whispering.  This voice soothes me, tells me that I am beautiful and am doing the best I can.  This is the voice that applauds my positive efforts and forgives any slips.  It is the compassionate mind's voice that nourishes my heart and means that I am not hungry for 'treats', since it treats me well all the time. I have trouble with this voice because sometimes it gets shouted down by the other two voices.  I have not quite developed the habit of listening to it first and letting the others go quiet.

This morning I heard from a very old and very dear friend and he is going through tough times.  Life is not as he planned and he sounds sad and in turmoil.  My compassionate voice immediately sent him love and care and I realised that when I am in stress I can learn to send those same thoughts to myself.  I am learning to project this compassionate voice and raise it above a whisper.  I am learning to be as kind to myself as I try to be to others. Slowly, I am learning to listen.