Acknowledging a new relationship...

Without any planning I have begun to develop a relationship with writing.  It is something I have to do now. Each day I feel there is something that will emerge from the page to teach me more about myself, my world and how I relate.  it has sort of taken me by surprise.  What began as an exercise in therapeutic release has become a budding love affair.  I am very happy to have the chance to write down who I am.

I have never been one to sit in Enlightenment Intensives - days and days of sitting on my backside and answering the eternally endless question of 'tell me who you are' is not my delight. It never has been and I don't expect it ever will be.  Just like I will never be a marathon runner, I will never be someone who can do anything but fall asleep whilst contemplating this answerless answer.  This format of self-discovery bores me.

When I write I am aware of two energies surrounding me.  There is the one that quickly types, does not censor and just flows.  Then there is the editor - the energy that sits on my shoulder watching my fingers fly across the keyboard while saying, 'hey, you can't make that a sentence, the grammar is wrong, that's not the right punctuation'.  I am learning to resist that editorial energy and just let the writing develop in  its own way.  Each time I am able to do that I discover more of myself.  Each time I am able to let go of the awareness and self-consciousness of an audience I drop into a deeper level of exploration of my self.

It is important that I keep up this practice regularly.  I try and give myself time and space to do this.  It has become a labour of love.  I never, ever imagined that this would happen.  As a fully-grown, fully-matured adult I never expected this relationship to my inner mind to blossom like this.  it has been like finding a new friend.  At this point in my life I am most concerned with nurturing the friendships I already have and rarely meet new possible friends.  It does happen and recently I met a couple of new people with whom there is a kernel of possibility of friendship, but I am surprised by my friendship with writing.

I am not a 'writer'.  I am someone who writes.  I am trying to do this in a mindful way and I sometimes struggle.  Sometimes I express  myself clearly and feel pleased that I have put my point across to myself in a way that makes sense and sometimes I bore myself with my written down trivia, but it doesn't matter.  It has become an important part of my life. This has been a revelation.

It also feels like a kind of meditation.  I see that I define meditation in a very narrow way - sit quietly, close eyes, straight back, watch your breathing and (more difficult this) clear the mind or maybe dance, jump, scream, babble until you can get to a point where there are a few precious moments when the self disappears into a greater whole.  Sitting at my computer, dropping into a creative, feeling self and just letting the words emerge is also another way to reach a holistic space in myself, a calm space of greater clarity. 

I am so happy to find this.  I feel right now like a little kid who has suddenly discovered they can play the piano or sing opera beautifully.  My writing is a new toy that gives me so much pleasure.  Kind of like a vibrator for the mind and heart, if that makes any sense.  A great, limitless source of endless pleasure and there's so much more...